Books about losing a parent for kids, and how to read them

If your child's mom or dad has died, a few picture books can help, read slowly and only when your child is open to them. For toddlers and preschoolers, start with Missing Mommy by Rebecca Cobb or Everett Anderson's Goodbye by Lucille Clifton. For children around five and up, The Scar by Charlotte Moundlic and The Boy and the Gorilla by Jackie Azúa Kramer stay close to what a grieving child actually feels. Read each one by yourself first. No book replaces you, and you do not need to have the right words. The American Academy of Pediatrics says listening matters more than having the "perfect" words to explain death.

If you are reading this for a child in your life, you are probably grieving too. Take the parts that help and leave the rest.

What grief looks like in young children

Young children grieve, even when it does not look like grief to adults. The Dougy Center's guide to developmental grief responses describes it by age:

• Ages 2 to 4. Children see death as reversible and may ask "When will Mommy be home?" again and again. Common responses include crying, clinginess, irregular sleep, tantrums, going back to skills they had outgrown, and telling the story to anyone, including strangers.
• Ages 5 to 8. Children often still think death can be undone, and they may worry that their wishes or angry thoughts caused it. Expect short bursts of strong feeling mixed with acting as though nothing happened, plus stomachaches, nightmares and questions like "Who else will die?"

The Dougy Center's suggestions for the youngest children are short: keep a consistent routine, especially around the start and end of the day; give a short, honest explanation such as "Daddy died. His body stopped working"; use the words dead and died; and offer lots of physical comfort and chances to play.

The AAP adds one message worth saying out loud more than once: your child is not to blame. Explaining the cause simply, without extra detail, makes it less likely a child will decide it happened because of something they did, said or thought.

Picture books for toddlers and preschoolers

These are short, and the words are plain. All are held by the Seattle Public Library, which is a good sign your own library has them or can borrow them.

• Missing Mommy by Rebecca Cobb. A very young boy misses his mother after she dies, and his dad comforts and reassures him. Short and simple.
• Everett Anderson's Goodbye by Lucille Clifton. A young boy moves through the feelings that come after his father dies, in short rhyming verses.
• My Father's Arms Are a Boat by Stein Erik Lunde. A boy who cannot sleep climbs into his father's arms and asks about birds, foxes and whether his mother will ever wake up. His father answers clearly and gently. Very quiet, good for bedtime.
• Where Do They Go? by Julia Alvarez. Children wonder what happens to the people they love after they die. It asks more than it answers, which leaves room for your family's own beliefs.

Picture books for ages 5 to 8

Children this age can hold a little more story and a little more feeling, including anger.

• The Scar by Charlotte Moundlic. After his mother dies, a boy is angry and tries hard to hold on to her scent, her voice and the things she did for him, while also trying to help his father. Honest about the messy feelings.
• The Boy and the Gorilla by Jackie Azúa Kramer. On the day of his mother's funeral, a boy imagines a gorilla who answers his questions, and slowly finds his way to talking with his dad. A book about talking, as much as about loss.
• The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland. A child makes a box of things that bring back a person who died. The parent guide at the back is written from a Christian perspective, which suits some families more than others.
• Death Is Stupid by Anastasia Higginbotham. Blunt and honest, for a child who is angry. It walks through the confusion that comes after someone dies, and some ways to celebrate their life.

For more general books about death, including some that use a pet or an animal friend, see our list of books about losing a pet for kids. If a grandparent has died too, or instead, our guide to explaining a grandparent's death to a toddler covers the funeral and the words to use.

How to read these books together

• Read it alone first. You will know which pages are hard for you, and whether the book matches what your family believes.
• Let your child lead. Some children want the same book every night for a week. Some want it once. Some do not want it at all. All of that is fine.
• Expect the same questions. The Dougy Center lists repeated questions as a normal part of grief at these ages. Answer them again, simply and honestly.
• Change words if you need to. If a book says "passed away" and you have been saying "died," you can read it your way.
• Stop when they stop. Then do something ordinary. KidsHealth suggests that after a few minutes of talking and listening, you shift to something that helps your child feel a little better: play, make art, cook or go somewhere together.
• It is fine if they see you cry. KidsHealth says so plainly, and suggests naming your own feelings so your child can name theirs.

Keeping their mom or dad close

Sesame Workshop suggests finding an object or a special place that reminds your child of the person who died, such as a book they read together, a park they visited or a favorite food, and telling your child they can remember their person each time they see it. KidsHealth encourages drawing pictures, telling stories and not avoiding talking about the parent who died.

Some ideas that are free and work with small children:

• A memory box with photos, a piece of clothing that still smells like them, and drawings.
• A small photo book of your child with their parent, with one line under each picture in plain words.
• A "things Mommy loved" or "things Daddy taught me" page your child can add to over the years.
• Calm time with crayons, with no goal at all. Our guide to coloring for calm has gentle ideas.

Children sometimes try to fill in for the parent who died. Sesame Workshop's page on new family roles suggests reminding them that you are the grown-up and their most important job is to be a kid, while still giving them small ways to help and a say in new rituals and traditions.

When to get more support

Grief can come back for years, and it often returns around birthdays, holidays, and Mother's Day or Father's Day, which the AAP names as often difficult after a parent dies. The same page notes that free bereavement groups and camps for children exist around the country. The Dougy Center's program finder lists grief support centers by location.

KidsHealth recommends talking with your child's doctor if their distress lasts more than a few weeks, or if the death was sudden, violent or deeply stressful. Asking for that help is part of caring for them, and for yourself.

More guides for the hard moments of early childhood are in big moments.

Questions parents ask